Katie Holmes-Cruise Has a Bigger Derriere Than I, and Gene Simmons Does Not Party Ever

Prior to this last month, the only celebrities I've seen have been professional athletes from 500 yards away, in game apparel that obstructed their actual facial features from view. Oh and maybe football players I made out with in college that are now playing in super bowls...but I guess they don't count because they weren't famous when I was in college - or very much worth the recollection anyways.

In continuation of my contempt for baggy, rolled-up boyfriends, I thought it only appropriate that I record my experience spending quality time in Boston getting to know Katie Holmes-Cruise - Tom's wife - the devil who made the horridenim trend popular for 2.8 seconds. Well....maybe Katie and I didn't exactly exchange BBM pins....or talk....or even make direct eye contact for that matter. Technically we only dined at the same restaurant and I was forced to crane my head around a table of dignified non-gawkers to take a gander at the splendid little nuclear Cruise family + bodyguard spectacle. And I must admit, I was an embarassing gawker. I was utterly mesmerized with Suri Cruise's toddler heels. What a friggin liability. I cannot comprehend that apparel companies are making kid heels when Mattel has been in deep legal shit with simple Polly Pocket and Batman figurines. I can't even walk in heels, how the hell did a toddler manage to run around a restaurant in them??! It must be some sort of hierarchical privilege for higher beings like Scientologists. Evidently there are no spiritual electrodes that these elitist anti-thetans can hook up to themselves to make their derrieres reduce in size, because Katie Holmes-Cruise has a mighty rump. Maybe her ass is a valuable scientology asset (pun intended) acting as an impregnable prison for evil dead alien thetans - similar in function to the modern landfill. I'm not exaggerating when I say her can is almost twice the size of my own. And do you know what I say to that??? Bravo, Mrs. Cruise. Bra-vo. Thanks be to Xeno, or whatever the hell they call their shotcaller god. Wouldn't ya know it but the crazy actress has a normal body. Hmm. Weird.

While in Boston I also walked through Ben Affleck's movie set of "The Town" and saw Ben in his glorious toupe. But I can't give him any pub time or my brothers could likely go into cardiac arrest. Case in point: see my facebook profile. Coo-koo.

But speaking of coo-koo, my month of celeb sitings takes an interesting turn with the celebration of the birth of Gene Simmons 60 years ago. I somehow landed myself an invite to his birthday party.....at a bowling alley of all places. It was a solid night, to say the least. I'd expected it to be one of those, "let's just go so we have a story to tell even though we're nobodies and nothing eventful will truly happen anyways but we'll pretend it did to all our friends" sort of things. Gene Simmons actually made an effort to be our friend. We laughed with him more than once. We hung out with his ex-porn star wife and her ex-porn star sister. We were accused by his son Nick of stealing his Ray Bans. We helped Nick find his Ray Bans (well, Erica did). We were given customized t-shirts to commemorate the severing of Gene's umbilical cord, and the non-severing of his foreskin back in the Jurassic era when his Hebrew mother shot him out of the womb, and sent him in a basket down the river....Oh that was Moses? Well close enough goddammit, Gene Simmons kicks ass. And according to the 1984 Playmate of the Year, Gene Simmons has never had a drop of alcohol OR recreational drugs in his life. Coulda fooled me when they rolled him out in a wheelchair with a respirator! I guess he's eaten too much challah the past 6 decades. Bread products make you unhealthy and swollen. Just ask Katie Holmes rear.